April brings no fool

I want to repost something that I wrote on my xanga blog exactly 1 year ago. It's angsty and upset, but a really great lesson in the end.

April 1st, 2007, at 2:26am
"I am so frustrated.

I wish life was clear and simple, that I undstood the direction I was going. I know that no one my age really has a plan and that I need to not worry about it, that it's just that time in the semester blah blah blah... but really. I've come to a point where I hate being here. I hate being at Biola, I hate my major department, I don't want to be a journalist and never have... I just like taking photos and don't really want to have a career. I want to work with kids and take pictures and find a good church to find home. I want to be a mom. I want to work at a coffee shop to sustain myself and invest in some sort of ministry.

I feel like taking my mom's offer to move to Tennessee with my parents and just start over. I've come to that point where I know that there's nothing here for me, my friends are moving in different directions, and I have no reason to stay. I've never been this frustrated before or felt like this toward Biola... it's been a slow progression up to this point and I've finally come to realize these things.

What to do. When housing sign-ups comes around, when it comes time to sign up for fall classes... should I even bother?

Lord, where do I go from here?"

Sad, angsty, and ready to give up. I read that now and am amazed at where I've come in the course of a year. I had no idea why I was so upset and defeated at the time, but in the next entry a few days later, I find a little hope:

"The last few days have been interesting to see unfold because of the encouragement from friends in my life... and even a couple of passers-by. I can't really say that I'm completely at ease, but I will say that I feel comforted and understood. "

I experienced an outpouring of support and wisdom from friends and family. And who was the "passers-by" reference to? Joel. We had met and crossed paths several times in the months before, but it was that entry that sparked a lengthy email of encouragement from him, though we barely knew who each other were. It lead to many emails thereafter and a friendship that I felt so blessed by. Friendship lead to dating, and now here we are... 1 year later, engaged and grateful to God for the way He has lead us so far.

I am in awe at the way He uses our pain and frustration to begin a great work in our lives. A year later today I can reflect on His patience with me and be amazed by the mystery of His plans.

Thank you, Lord, for beauty through pain.