All I can think of to do, is this.

I should be reading or doing homework, but my roommate is already asleep and I can't turn the light on, so this is where I have gravitated at the end of my night (of all places). I've been out sick with pneumonia for the past week, which has put a real damper on getting ahead in any of my classes. It's actually done the complete opposite. Once again, my school life seems like it's in a complete spiral. I have a strange yet distinct sense that I'll be feeling this way until graduation. Until that morning in May, everything is up in the air.

I've never understood how saying goodbye to someone could become harder and harder. Tonight it hit me so deeply... almost to the point that I had to hold everything back within me from gripping hard and refusing to let go. It's the reason why being here in my last semester is so alien... I feel as if I'm beyond this already. That life shouldn't be this way. We shouldn't be saying goodbye and retiring to our different homes. 2 weeks from now, it'll all make sense to everyone else, when we'll finally be able to officially tell everyone where we're going together in life. So many people can't understand how we can wake up every morning and miss each other instantly, but isn't that how love shows itself? How it expands to the point of wishing you were near each other every day?

I'm finding that most of my rants end up at love these days.

It's late, for me. Goodnight, moon. Goodnight, air. Goodnight noises everywhere.

All the other girls here are stars, you are the northern lights.

I know, putting song lyrics as the title of a blog is so cliche. You're going to have to live with it for now, because that Josh Ritter line is pure gold.

It's been a few weeks since any updates, partly because I'm never at Biola for more than a couple of days anymore, and partly because my time here is filled with homework. And if I'm not doing homework, I'm thinking about it, or stressing over it, or planning for it, etc.

Here's an example of my travels:

This weekend I left Thursday night to go to a play in Glendale with Stef and Brendan (and Joel, of course), spent the night at Joel's house, and then came back on Friday to go to class, then to Irvine. Saturday was Julie's housewarming party in LA, spent the night at Joel's again, and Sunday was supposed to be back to Biola day. However, Joel got terribly sick and we had to go to urgent care in the evening. He had a temperature of 103. I took care of him last night and this morning, and left him still sick this afternoon to get to my 3pm class. I realized for the first time that when you love someone this much, you want to be with them all the time and do whatever is in your power to help them get better. I caught myself hoping that I'd do just the right combination of things so that he would get better immediately... I wish it worked that way. Seeing someone you love in physical pain is the worst.

That's usually how weekends go, minus the sick part. I'm running around southern California, making plans, nurturing friendships, spending time with Joel, and somehow getting work done too. Sometimes I feel guilty when Biola friends tell me I'm never around anymore, and then I remember how typical that description is of a last-semester senior. Especially one who's got a full plate.

Can someone give time a call and tell him to go faster? His pace is killing me!

I only have one class in the early morning tomorrow, so I might drive to Joel's again to continue taking care of him if he isn't feeling better. I don't care if it takes an hour, and it's taking me away from campus again... the urge to get him better is way more important, I think.

Ciao!

prayer

Today was great, a definite start. At this point, Joel and I know this: we're both going trying for positions at Hume for the summer, and were interviewed together today. Where we'll be placed, we're not sure... but it's definitely a big leap. We had planning the summer differently, but at this point we really feel lead to minister at Hume together, Joel for the first time, me for a third summer.

We know that much! We'll see where it goes from here...