soon to come...

After neglecting this blog for so long because of Hume, you'd think I would jump right back into things. The problem with that, however, is that I jumped out of Hume and right into planning my wedding for October 11th. Such is life.

I promise, one of these days when I have the time, I'm going to write several blogs... one about how frustrating it is when Christians discuss politics and debate about the most insignificant things, thereby dividing everyone around them (seriously, is it that important?), one about how much we as followers of Christ complicate something so very simple... love (believe me, it's alot simpler than we make it out to be... and we're also really taking on the world's view of love while we're at it, but I'll touch on that too), and one about our society as a whole: the loss of modesty and etiquette and the importance of self. I might even throw in an entry about friendship and the phrase "let's hang out soon", otherwise known as "let's hang out when it's convenient for me."

I'm not bitter, that's a fact. It may sound like it, but I'm really not. I'm in one of the happiest points of my life. I'm just realizing that Christians have all the cheesecake in the world at their fingertips, and are choosing mud pies instead.

More to come soon.

Life is nonstop.

That's how it's been for the past 3 years, anyhow. There's always something coming down the pipe. Being at Hume Lake for a third summer has been a ride, and in 10 days Joel and I will be back to civilization and getting ready for the wedding in October. The only thing that makes the upcoming 2-month period different is that I'll actually have time to stop and just process... getting wedding details done, spending my days at home with the Millers and being alone with Joel for the first time in ages. I can't even wait. Most people think the months leading up to your own wedding are crazy... and that may be somewhat true, but if you think about it, we have the location(s), the cake, the dress(es), and the photographers all set and ready to go. We know everything else that we want and its just a matter of ordering or making it. Crazy weddings? I laugh in the face of it.

(You can even quote me on that later, because honestly I don't care if the flowers don't look just right or the programs are the wrong color. I'm not a bridezilla. I think all bridezillas should take 2 Nyquil and sleep it off. It's just a wedding... one day out of your life. Shouldn't the focus be on the marriage? Maybe?)

I'm sitting in the Hume Lake media office listening to Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" at 12:50am as Joel puts the final touches on the gauntlet video. This summer has been one of the toughest I've ever been through, but one of the best when it comes to being sensitive to the Holy Spirit and recognizing when Jesus is being followed closely or forgotten altogether. And I say that with myself in mind, not just those around me. I'm ridiculously sensitive to that, and it's caused many tears this summer... not because I want to snap others out of it in an "you're wrong and not following Jesus, dummy" sort of way (goodness knows I've had my fair share of sin and stupidity), but because I love Hume and want so badly for Jesus to be the sole purpose for every single word and action that we say and do. We ought to be encouraging each other to be like Jesus, that is our sole purpose here and in life in general, but we lose Him so easily in the pursuit of other things, and it kills me. I hope that we never forget that the only thing that really matters here is showing these kids Jesus and praying that He will be reflected in us despite ourselves.

(I just thought about how I have to be careful what I write here. I have a particular friend who wrote a blog entry about Hume and was the talk of a camp or two because of it. I love it when people don't get sarcasm. Just for the record.... I hate attractive people too.)

(and a shoutout to all the full-timers who are reading this because of a google alert.)

On that note, I had the chance to pray for an hour tonight. I haven't done that all summer... only 15-20 minutes here and there. It was amazing. I'm so thankful that we have a God who pursues our hearts and will stop at nothing until we are in His arms. This time tonight is proof alone that we are built to commune with a personal God. We long for it... misguidedly, at times... but it's ingrained in us. It blows me away.

Done. Time for bed and a great-race Friday. Goodnight!

this is what school does

... it takes me away from blogging, which makes me sad.

I'll update soon, I promise. Once the homework subsides!

A letter to the internet.

Dear internet,

I just discovered another side of you, known as "twitter.com". I'd like to be honest and let you know that I find it a little strange... maybe even creepy, but I haven't decided yet. I hope in due time you can explain to me what it's purpose is and why this side of you exists. I hope you're not offended my complete honesty, but I think it's good to give you a little feedback now and then.

For now, I won't judge.

Your friend,
Kate

April brings no fool

I want to repost something that I wrote on my xanga blog exactly 1 year ago. It's angsty and upset, but a really great lesson in the end.

April 1st, 2007, at 2:26am
"I am so frustrated.

I wish life was clear and simple, that I undstood the direction I was going. I know that no one my age really has a plan and that I need to not worry about it, that it's just that time in the semester blah blah blah... but really. I've come to a point where I hate being here. I hate being at Biola, I hate my major department, I don't want to be a journalist and never have... I just like taking photos and don't really want to have a career. I want to work with kids and take pictures and find a good church to find home. I want to be a mom. I want to work at a coffee shop to sustain myself and invest in some sort of ministry.

I feel like taking my mom's offer to move to Tennessee with my parents and just start over. I've come to that point where I know that there's nothing here for me, my friends are moving in different directions, and I have no reason to stay. I've never been this frustrated before or felt like this toward Biola... it's been a slow progression up to this point and I've finally come to realize these things.

What to do. When housing sign-ups comes around, when it comes time to sign up for fall classes... should I even bother?

Lord, where do I go from here?"

Sad, angsty, and ready to give up. I read that now and am amazed at where I've come in the course of a year. I had no idea why I was so upset and defeated at the time, but in the next entry a few days later, I find a little hope:

"The last few days have been interesting to see unfold because of the encouragement from friends in my life... and even a couple of passers-by. I can't really say that I'm completely at ease, but I will say that I feel comforted and understood. "

I experienced an outpouring of support and wisdom from friends and family. And who was the "passers-by" reference to? Joel. We had met and crossed paths several times in the months before, but it was that entry that sparked a lengthy email of encouragement from him, though we barely knew who each other were. It lead to many emails thereafter and a friendship that I felt so blessed by. Friendship lead to dating, and now here we are... 1 year later, engaged and grateful to God for the way He has lead us so far.

I am in awe at the way He uses our pain and frustration to begin a great work in our lives. A year later today I can reflect on His patience with me and be amazed by the mystery of His plans.

Thank you, Lord, for beauty through pain.

ding, dong, the bells are gonna chime...

So, I'm sitting here in the Miller's living room checking my email in the early afternoon of a warm Sunday. None of this would seem out of the ordinary, except that every time I look down to type, there's a big sparkly rock on my left finger.

I'm getting married in October, to Joel Miller.

He took me out for a day of surprises in Santa Barbara yesterday. We went to a garden market for lunch, went whale watching in the early afternoon, then climbed up onto a huge rock on top of the Santa Barbara mountains. He gave me a speech, whipped out a beautiful antique-looking box, and with some tears from the both of us, he asked me to marry him.

To those outside out close friends and family, this might come as a big surprise. We didn't really go around advertising it to everyone. But the funny thing about it is, we knew what was going to happen almost right away. Months and months ago, as we were praying and just beginning out relationship, we both just... knew. It was a crazy feeling. I prayed that if this feeling that I was having wasn't of Christ, that he would take it away... but He didn't. It just kept developing. He kept teaching us and bringing us closer together, teaching us how to love and what love meant. And now, we're engaged, working at Hume this summer, and getting married in October.

Seems a bit whirlwind, doesn't it? To us, it really doesn't. It just makes total sense. I can't tell you how huge our desire is to serve Christ with our relationship, and how much we've sought to obey Him in the way we love and the timing of it all, and now here we are. It's cool to see how our relationship has grown. From meeting in the fall of '06, to becoming really good friends in the spring of '07, to praying and writing letters in the summertime, and then "becoming official" in the fall. God is so faithful. He's taught us so much, and will continue to do so for the rest of our lives!

Ah, I am so excited for this year. :)

All I can think of to do, is this.

I should be reading or doing homework, but my roommate is already asleep and I can't turn the light on, so this is where I have gravitated at the end of my night (of all places). I've been out sick with pneumonia for the past week, which has put a real damper on getting ahead in any of my classes. It's actually done the complete opposite. Once again, my school life seems like it's in a complete spiral. I have a strange yet distinct sense that I'll be feeling this way until graduation. Until that morning in May, everything is up in the air.

I've never understood how saying goodbye to someone could become harder and harder. Tonight it hit me so deeply... almost to the point that I had to hold everything back within me from gripping hard and refusing to let go. It's the reason why being here in my last semester is so alien... I feel as if I'm beyond this already. That life shouldn't be this way. We shouldn't be saying goodbye and retiring to our different homes. 2 weeks from now, it'll all make sense to everyone else, when we'll finally be able to officially tell everyone where we're going together in life. So many people can't understand how we can wake up every morning and miss each other instantly, but isn't that how love shows itself? How it expands to the point of wishing you were near each other every day?

I'm finding that most of my rants end up at love these days.

It's late, for me. Goodnight, moon. Goodnight, air. Goodnight noises everywhere.

All the other girls here are stars, you are the northern lights.

I know, putting song lyrics as the title of a blog is so cliche. You're going to have to live with it for now, because that Josh Ritter line is pure gold.

It's been a few weeks since any updates, partly because I'm never at Biola for more than a couple of days anymore, and partly because my time here is filled with homework. And if I'm not doing homework, I'm thinking about it, or stressing over it, or planning for it, etc.

Here's an example of my travels:

This weekend I left Thursday night to go to a play in Glendale with Stef and Brendan (and Joel, of course), spent the night at Joel's house, and then came back on Friday to go to class, then to Irvine. Saturday was Julie's housewarming party in LA, spent the night at Joel's again, and Sunday was supposed to be back to Biola day. However, Joel got terribly sick and we had to go to urgent care in the evening. He had a temperature of 103. I took care of him last night and this morning, and left him still sick this afternoon to get to my 3pm class. I realized for the first time that when you love someone this much, you want to be with them all the time and do whatever is in your power to help them get better. I caught myself hoping that I'd do just the right combination of things so that he would get better immediately... I wish it worked that way. Seeing someone you love in physical pain is the worst.

That's usually how weekends go, minus the sick part. I'm running around southern California, making plans, nurturing friendships, spending time with Joel, and somehow getting work done too. Sometimes I feel guilty when Biola friends tell me I'm never around anymore, and then I remember how typical that description is of a last-semester senior. Especially one who's got a full plate.

Can someone give time a call and tell him to go faster? His pace is killing me!

I only have one class in the early morning tomorrow, so I might drive to Joel's again to continue taking care of him if he isn't feeling better. I don't care if it takes an hour, and it's taking me away from campus again... the urge to get him better is way more important, I think.

Ciao!

prayer

Today was great, a definite start. At this point, Joel and I know this: we're both going trying for positions at Hume for the summer, and were interviewed together today. Where we'll be placed, we're not sure... but it's definitely a big leap. We had planning the summer differently, but at this point we really feel lead to minister at Hume together, Joel for the first time, me for a third summer.

We know that much! We'll see where it goes from here...

too much?

Biola looks more and more different every time I come back. The caf is filled with younger and more stylish kids, the walkways are busier, and new faces are popping up everywhere. But I'm still grateful for all that I've learned and the ways I've grown because of this place. I'm going to enjoy each moment I have left here, but at the same time look ahead with excitement toward life to come.

Speaking of what's to come...

I need prayer. Lots of it. So much so in the next few days. All the plans I've made for the next year are being shaken up a little... I mean, there are many things, namely one, that will not change. But as far as where I'll be living and what I'll be doing... I have never given something up to God with such sincerity and confusion. There are several options, and up until this point I thought I knew what this year would look like, but a few revelations and doors have opened up today that has taken everything I've planned and put it in a blender. I really have no idea what it means... if it's just an option I'm going to turn down, or if it's an avenue that my life will end up taking. Tomorrow will be a pivotal day that's going to involve a lot of talking and praying. Lots and lots of prayer. So all that is to say this: if you think of it, pray for discernment and open eyes to God's leading. For me, for Joel, and that we'd be open to what God has for us. I'm usually not this specific about personal things like this over the vast space of the internet, but I value prayer from my friends in all areas, especially when it comes to Joel and I, and I really need it.

Thanks, friends. I'll let you know how it turns out...

- Kate

"isn't it strange..."

God can get ahold of us in the most unexpected ways... like chapel makeups. Who could have seen that one coming?

I'm ready for the months ahead, Jesus. Prepare me for this next stage in life.

ravings of a full heart

Is it pathetic when two people in love find it difficult to be away from each other for a mere 5 or 6 days? Is it pathetic that when physical vicinity is concerned, they both feel as if a part of them is missing when the other is gone? My immediate response is to let out a resounding and unrestrained no... but with all the eyerolling going on around me, I'm beginning to wonder if the exciting things that come from true and real love are being squashed by eyes of criticism and doubt among Christian circles. In fact, I rather wonder if relationships and real love between a man and a woman can even exist among believers today without pangs of negativity and distrust.

I might be overgeneralizing because not everyone leans towards these tendencies. But countless conversations with peers on multiple Christian campuses over several years has made me wonder. The phrase "ring by spring" and other sentiments poking fun at relationships formed while going to a Christian college have been so overused and engrained in our minds that a healthy level of cynicism and contempt has arisen among us. It seems that every time a couple passes by us on the main walkways of our university, holding hands and smiling, our eyes immediately roll and eyebrows raise at its mere existence, which according to us, "won't last another month".

When did we become so skeptical of love? Behind every doubt cast, there is always a story of a couple we know, who according to us, "prayed and did all the right things, thought it was the right timing, and ended up in a rocky marriage" etc etc. Because of these examples we have found suddently set in stone the "fact" that most relationships are just caught up in pure emotion and real love can't be truly known until 3 years have passed and you've "seen every side of that person."

Since when has love been dependent on or limited by time? It seems that love has become generalized as a flippant emotion, rather than a devoted decision that lasts a lifetime.

Why are we so negative? Can nothing be good and celebrated anymore with encouragement?

I wonder.

January is for lovers

I've decided to go along with my gmail account and keep the blogger, therefore selling my soul to google and making the transaction complete.

(well, not really, but it seems google is taking over the universe these days, doesn't it?)

Here we go.

It's January, and I'm into my last week of interterm internship (alliteration, anyone?). It's been an interesting ride. I'm not sure that I've enjoyed it or disliked it, just grateful toward it for the experience it's given me. Yet because this is the last week until school starts, it's put me into full panic mode. There are so many things to do before I start my final semester at Biola. I have a feeling panic will be the theme of this spring, and that, my friends, is the nature of the beast that is senior year. So many plans to make, living situation and career to figure out, moving stuff around, awkward transitions into post-college adult life. What a strange time for any sane person.... it's kind of like jr. high all over again. Think about it: you're coming into your own, shedding the old childlike life and figuring out what it means to be an adult. I have a firm belief that college and jr. high are like siblings. Or two best friends that can relate, at least.

All the while I have been making plans this year... they're still in the dream stage at this point, but starting to take shape. Am I scared? You bet. But that's okay. Everyone has an opinion of how your life should be run, and I'm sure not everyone is going to agree with where my life might go. I just know that I'm going by how the Lord has lead me, His timing, and the talents He has blessed me with, as well as by the calendar of a man I dearly love.

Senior year... give me your best shot.

PS - go listen to "Kathleen" by Josh Ritter. Or any Josh Ritter song, really, but he is fantastic. I fall more in love with him every time I listen. (Don't worry, Joel, I mean in a musical sense. haha)